My yarn...

has arrived, but not Chez Moi. You see, (in my infinite wisdom, borne of the need to sidestep the bureaucracy involved in declaring stuff to customs that I already own,* and mostly bought in Canada anyway), I sent it to a friend's place in Prévost. (Yes, Prévost. See Figure A). Soon as this friend gets enough jack to fill his gas tank, he'll drive the 60 kms needed to deliver the two biggest of the five boxes mailed, right to my doorstep. Or patio. (Depending upon the weather, of course).

Figure A

Now, all I need are my books. Those are addressed to me, at my actual residence. Hopefully they'll arrive soon, as well. Since both the USPS and Canada Post are involved, I'm not about to hold my breath...

I'll keep everyone up-to-date on these important matters as (or if) they develop. Straight up and for real. Would I lie?

* Breathe here.

Obligatory Knitting Content and Unintentional Furniture Makeovers.

"My Thang."

I finished Jillian Moreno's Bob & Weave a few months ago, however have yet to actually get it blocked and completed (you know, the weaving part). Sure, I have the ribbon yarn required, and I even cut it in the required lengths, as per the pattern. In the meantime, I found it made a really nice covering for Grandma's French Provincial armchair, so there it remained for the months of February and March. I brought it with me back to Montreal, and plan to get it blocked and all that very, very soon. But don't ask when. It'd destroy my bliss.

Because I know you like nasty things, too.

(1) Dig this crazy link
(2) Once there, click in the box where it reads 'Play'
(3) Sit back, relax, and enjoy.

N.B.: This isn't particularly workplace friendly. If your kids see you laughing at it, they'll get the wrong idea that you're cooler than you actually are. Anyone with a penis might not find it as amusing as those of us who don't. You've been warned.

This is a Huge Steaming Pile.

Besides, I wanted to be Samantha! She was the only one I actually admired.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Je suis icitte... but my yarn isn't.

This is a photo of the yarn stash I packaged for mailing to Montreal, featuring the Easter Lilly I got on the cheap Easter Monday. The cheezy plastic egg comes courtesy of Mother. Keep in mind this represents about 80% of my total stash...I only shipped the stuff I just had to have near and dear. Included in these big ass boxes are bits and pieces of my Knitting Library, save for the magazines, which can wait (for now).

As of this writing, they haven't yet arrived, but no doubt the yahoos of Homeland Security are busy photocopying their favorite patterns and running their grimy little paws through my beloved fiber. Bastards!

At least I didn't have to deal with that hateful TSA woman with the beep-beep wand when I cleared security at the airport. (Tender mercies and all that).

More news on my travel adventures to follow. Stay tuned...

I am feeling this completely...

...Because it's so very real. Despite my affinity for extra-hot pork rinds and melons purchased from some old dude with no teeth in a raggedy pickup, I will spend money (I don't have) on yarn (I can't afford), which in itself is straight-up ghetto.

Get schooled here, y'all.

Any questions...?

I'd post more often, but I've been busy feeling like bloody hell.

When stressed (especially), I get a lot of random thoughts that protrude into my consciousness, and demand attention. The most recent one involved Lily Chin and a shitload of downers. Prior to that, I was wondering what in hell Phil Spector was thinking when he appeared in court with a serious case of popcorn-head. Sadly, I can't recall what was on my mind before that, because I have a tendency to forget things...whether I'm under stress or not.

When Body Waves Go Bad.

In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of knitting, although as per usual, none of it is ready for prime time. I've completed some sweaters, but they've been donated to Mother, since I made them a bit too enourmous for my plus-sized self. Just for the hell of it, I've been working on a pair of clogs, to which I've crocheted some pseudo-socks/leg warmers. I can't say I'd actually wear them in public, but no doubt someone might. In the meantime, I'm just paying beaucoup d'attention to my Inner Psychotic-Knitting Muse. Please, remind me to stop. Soon.

In the vein of weird regional news and hooking, please follow this link to the tragic story of Melissa Harrington of Lincoln, who spends her leisure time being naked in public. The po-po follow her around and fine her for breaking city statutes which prohibit public nudity in all forms. Never mind that there are three universities with hords of binge-drinking students and meth labs galore, all over town--The Man prefers to spend time and effort chasing this bimbo down. (See, I told you they were unbelievably uptight!) Therefore, I'm seriously considering crocheting some pasties for this person. I might even promote it on a grand scale, à la Dulaan or Afghans for Afghans, or something noble like that.

...Or maybe not. Whatever. I still think she's being targeted unfairly. But no matter. I'm signing off now. Daylight looms, and that means it's time for me to turn in. Aloha, y'all.

Mona and Karine Tagged Me...

And they did this like a whole month ago, but this menopause thing is really kicking my ass, so I've been horribly remiss. At any rate, here goes:

4 places you've lived:
Lincoln, Nebraska
Omaha, Nebraska
NDG and
Lachine

Four Jobs You Have Had In Your Life:
Telemarketer (don't hate--it was inbound only!)
Bank Teller
Manicurist
Death Administrator (ask me about my urns...)

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
Liquid Sky
Imitation of Life
Blazing Saddles
Freaks

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch:
Trailer Park Boys (A fucking classic).
Law & Order (in all its incarnations)
Arrested Development (they always can the good stuff)
Forensic Files (I'm Just Gross--but you know this).

Four Places You Have Been On Vacation:
Georgetown, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
Rapid City, South Dakota (not my idea, I was 8)
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico (don't even ask)
Mississauga, Ontario (how broke was I, anyway?)

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
Crunk & Disorderly
The Distorted View
Cheaptickets.com
The Nebraska State Patrol Sex Offender Registry

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
Marzipan
Bagels
Sushi
and
Prime-Freaking-Rib.

Four Places You Would Rather Be Right Now:
In parallel universe where I'd be In Charge.
On a beach, just coolin'.
The Voyageur bus terminus, checking out the freaks
Anywhere but here.

Bloggers You Are Tagging:
Susan (once she gets her blog happening).
Anny (because everyone should check out her really cute doggies)
Jennifer (because she truly deserves a break right about now)

Time for mindless quiz results, continued...

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

deawn -- [adjective]: Benevolent to a fault 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

S.O.S. or The Joy of Living In A Red State With A Bunch of Rednecks.

It all started Sunday evening, when I had yet another one of those aggravating experiences. An aggravating experience that had to take place while my blood sugar was low and my tolerance for intolerance was high. You see, Mother and I were headed out to have a little dinner at Kobe Japanese Steakhouse. (Hey, I was desperate. This is Omaha, and there aren't that many Japanese restaurants). Unbeknownst to Mother and Yours Truly, we quickly discovered that despite other people coming and going (some with doggy bags), they don't serve Negroes. (As Bette Midler said in The Rose, "That's just fine, because we don't eat 'em...). Hey, maybe they have a Jim Crow policy. Or maybe it's just another West Omaha thang. Still hungry, after being told we'd have a lengthy wait (although there was no one waiting, and there were only two of us), I did an abrupt about face and left, instructing Mother I'd pull up to the curb to pick her up. I could have stayed and argued, but the food isn't worth it. Why not simply go to another place that is wiling to take our money? So we did. It was totally déclassé (i.e. trashy), but at least they didn't trump up some transparent reasons to run us out.

"Los Nebraskans"

Annoyed but resigned to the ignorance of the local farm trash, I attended a local SnB at a yarn store with whom I've done business for some time. In fact, others all over North America may have as well, because they have a thriving online business. The owners are pleasant and very friendly. One of them had even invited me to come knit with them, November last. So, imagine my surprise and dismay at discovering how decidedly "icky" the small group of knitters were...one actually apologizing to the owner out loud, in front of everyone, for having invited "other people". (What a wonderful way to make me feel welcome!) The bitch did not appear to be kidding. At all. (Oh wow, you mean this shit is restricted? Why didn't you just say so! (I could've assembled an angry mob and we could just come back later to fire-bomb the joint!) Or maybe it's just personal. (We don't really know each other--she's a clerk at a bookstore café where I knit). In all seriousness, I realize that ill-timed comment wasn't the opinion of the owners, because if it were, I'd do no business with them, at all. Ever. However that, combined with the decidedly chilly reception I got from most of the regulars communicated one message loud and clear:

these assholes aren't good enough to knit with Me.

That's basically the attitude I hold toward anyone who wants to act a fool in my presence. And if they don't like it? They can simply bite me.

Can you dig it? (I knew that you could)...

One more thing...Click Here. Check out the picture at the bottom of the page. It's real, I swear. I couldn't possibly make this shit up.

A Very Overdue Update

As many of you know, I’ve been sweating it out here in God’s Country since December 20th. While my posts have been few and far between, my life away from the virtual world has been very busy indeed. I’ve managed to find places to knit publicly on nearly every day of the week, save Wednesdays, which I devote to my volunteer efforts at the VNAM.

Because Omahell isn’t that huge, the local knitting community is rather tiny, as well—and we run into one another despite our best efforts not to. Fortunately, two especially kind souls have turned me on to all kind of activities in the local knitting scene, and I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them publically right now. Therefore, I wish to thank Lorna and Mary for introducing me to other knitters, decaf chai, and 40% off yarn sales. What’s more, they both have been most welcoming, and that in itself is truly appreciated. I thank you both.

Next, I’d like to give a shout out to the hook and needle corps that regularly make an appearance at Mangelsen’s, String of Purls, and Personal Threads. Donna, I can’t thank you enough for your inspiration, free passes to your gym, and gift of gab that helps me to get through mindless, endless rows of stockinette stitch! Dr. Jennifer from Albany—thanks a million for commiserating with me on the bad drivers all across the U-S-of-A. And I can’t forget the Titanium Rose, who is a wonderful source of knowledge about all manner of medications; it’s a real comfort to a true hypochondriac like Yours Truly…

Of course there are more, and I’ll have to get to them when I get around to posting again. I’d do it now, I can’t focus enough for all that right now.. Suffice it to say, all the connections I’ve made with knitters has worked miracles in terms of inspiring me to knit more than dishrags and scarves. At present, I’m working on a sweater which I’m determined to complete before the end of the month. Ideally, I’d like to have it done prior to February 18, but being efficient just isn’t like me, at all. So whatever. Anyway, I’ve completed a plethora of Christmas gifts, including hats, mitts, shrugs, wraps, bags, and whatever else, in the past year. I really ought to have cramps in my hands from all this, but for some strange reason, I don’t. Who knew?

Meanwhile, I can’t wait until Jillian Moreno and Amy Singer’s “Big Girl Knits” is ready for prime-time. This whole reworking of teeny-weeny patterns with a calculator and improvised gauging techniques is somewhat tiresome, to say nothing of unpredictable. I hope to post photos of the FO I’ve been photographing before they went to their new homes.

But not now… I’m busy procrastinating.

Aloha,
- d.

Like I Don't Have Enough Rodents Up In Here

adopt your own virtual pet!

Latest Lameass Quiz Results:

Your Aura is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Politician? You have GOT to be kidding. And by the way, if you haven't already, get out there and vote! (But not for that creepy Stephen Harper. He gives me the willies!)

N.B.: Oh hell. Too late. We're screwed for real now!

Something is Very Very Wrong Up In Here.

This disturbing photo comes to us courtesy of my dear friend Susan of Ft. Worth. Perhaps some of you had the pleasure during her visit to Montreal this past June. Anyway, she decided to horrify us all with a link to this unbelievably frightening image. (Merci pour ça.) If you have a strong stomach and wish to see more, click on the photo--then brace yourself.

From the 'Wish I'd Thought of This' file:

This shit is simply brilliant.

Still sucks to be here...continued.

“This is Nebraska,” he says. “It’s a terrible place to be. It is an ultraconservative, ultra-racist state. I would not advise anybody black to come here.”

Read it and weep.

Need That Last Minute Christmas Gift?

I guess they really do sell everything.

(Who knew?) And don't forget to read the 'Comments' section...

Catball.

Or if you prefer, a "Ball O' Cats."

I like cats, I really do. It's my immune system that doesn't. And while that sucks, I'm generally able to get through the inconvenience that snot, boogers, and crusty stuff in my eyes create quite nicely with the help of some Benadryl. But sometimes, I get overcome by an incoming attack of cuteness, and allow 10-day old kittens to curl up in my lap in a furry, purring, writhing, catball. And that's how this adorable (slap me if I ever use the word 'darling' as an adjective) photo came to be.

These precious little things came to be due to my dear friend Leslie's highly libidinous cats. You see, Avalon and Ashley have just gotta have it, if you get my meaning, and I think you do. Right when Leslie plans to take them on a visit to the local spay and neuter clinic, las gatas locas make a run for it, and start catting around, and well--catballs ensue.

If anyone has a pattern for a kitty-cat chastity belt please e-mail me immediately.

Thank you.

Tacky, yet useful-The Series.

Today's helpful hint combines functionality with environmental awareness. Plus, it keeps the cat out of your yarn as you attempt to make something with it.

Materials required:

Scissors or an exacto knife
a big plastic bottle of your choice,
and some yarn.

Cut the bottle in half, widthwise. Take the bottom part and cut a notch in it lengthwise, about an inch or two. Stick the yarn in the bottom part, thread through the top part (bottle opening), then wedge the two together.

And there you have it. A cheap, tacky, and functional yarn container thast keeps the damn cat (or whomever) out of your yarn while you try to make something with it. You can even dress it up a bit by creating a bottle cozy. If you want to go completely ol' skool, make a hideous looking plastic canvas cuff to fit around it so you can obscure the split in the bottle. This is a project that just SKA-REEEEEMS Red Heart Super Saver, or better yet, Phentex!--so everybody getcha some and get busy, baby...

It's not just me.

Cousin Elaine, Mummy power napping, & Lil' Walter

For those of you who expect a bit more knitting content, see the middle shot which features my mother, inadvertantly modelling the leg warmers I made for her birthday. Elaine lives in the Denver area, as does (not so) Lil' Walter. Elaine is struggling with a bad nicotine habit, and Walter is frequently teased about his resemblance to the character 'Hercules' from Eddie Murphy's remake of "The Nutty Professor." (In all fairness, he had a few beers when I shot the picture). As is the case with Yours Truly, it's difficult to tell if he's tipsy, or is just straight up goofy, without the help of chemical substances.

I realize that any number of you knitting types want to see what I've been working on during my absence, so I offer to you the following, featuring me in a wife beater, modelling the gauntlets I made from yarn purchased in Vermont at the Wool & Sheep Festival, as well as one of my many pairs of Addi's. I have other things, but I don't really feel like posting them right here, right now. So get off my back.

Thank you.

* Mother has no idea whatsoever that this picture is on the web, for all the world to see. A word to the wise, s.v.p.